Dorky Guffaw - the Chick Flick God

Dorky Guffaw is a Chick Flick stud, according to Monkee. So much so, that to augment his already tarred and feathered reputation vis-a-vis aforementioned genre of movies, he's also been privy to a surprise birthday present, details of which will be presented later in the post.

Dorky Guffaw had been to Mumbai in the last week of November 2007. This was when his famous brush with death took place while he was ejected out of a moving local train at Dadar station, over the heads of all the passengers standing at the doorway, by an irate mob that didn't like the way he looked. His parents wish they could do the same, but they'd have society to answer to.

During that same Mumbai trip, when he'd been hanging out with his friend, who has, incidentally been mentioned enough number of times to give one the impression that Dorky's being paid by said friend to advertise his blog, an incident took place that cemented Dorky's reputation as being the God of Chick Flicks.

Dorky's DVD collection included Wild Things and Cruel Intentions, because he adored and worshipped Denise Richards, Neve Campbell, Selma Blair (yeah yeah) and was just struck by the idea of prep schools so much, having studied in a school with an apparently funny name, that he permanently borrowed the DVD from a friend of his.

In addition to the two movies mentioned, the DVD also contained this movie titled How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, the starting credits of which Dorky was able to identify with consummate ease, since this was the first movie in the DVD set, and the stupid pirated DVD did not have the initial screens which would lead one to the menu to choose one among the listed movies.

Hence, every single time Dorky had to watch any of the other movies on the disc, he'd have to see the starting credits of aforesaid movie before he was allowed to proceed. Having done this on a few occasions, it was but natural for him to be able to recognize the movie based on its starting credits, just the same way as anyone who's seen enough movies can recognize the 20th Century Fox music, having seen it umpteen times before the start of so many movies.

One of the few movies that Dorky actually knew well enough was Forrest Gump, which he'd seen so many times that he'd be able to mouth the dialogues of the movie in his sleep, for even his subconscious knew the entire movie end to end. Come to think of it, Forrest was a Dorky as well, except for that he was additionally multi-talented and made lots of money, aspects that Dorky is woefully unaware of.

In the last week of November 2007, Dorky had visited Monkee to hang out with him. During this trip, Monkee was holed up in some posh dwellings in Mumbai, courtesy of his esteemed employers who took great care of him and Dorky had planned to crash there during his trip that lasted two days and one night.

Dorky chanced upon some CDs in an unused compartment of the closet in Monkee's room where Dorky was intending to keep his backpack, rather than leave it on the floor. Finding two CDs with potentially questionable content led both of them to play the guessing game, something Dorky does out of habit before he is able to see the contents of a package or something similar.

Monkee, in his trademark manner said that it probably contained some pirated visual studio installer left there by some retarded techie. His vitriol against most IT firms, especially the 'SWITCH' companies (Satyam | Wipro | Infosys | TCS | Cognizant | HCL) will invariably result in his being abducted by those companies, who, for a change will outsource that task to some organization like the Taliban or the LeT those people who are in the free pool (a.k.a bench) in those respective companies.

On the other hand, Dorky said that it contained some gruesome video of how someone who'd previously occupied the room had been murdered, and that they'd die once they saw it as well. I guess he was inspired by the plot of 'The Ring'.

In any case, the minute they put the disc into the computer, and the familiar opening credits that he had seen on so many occasions were splashed on screen, like the fraud quizzer he is, Dorky shouted out the answer even though no question was asked, which resulted in his being labelled the God of Chick Flicks.

The belated birthday present he received, as a result, has been Samantha Cook's 'Rough Guide to Chick Flicks', which contains enough information and trivia for Dorky to make himself at home in any gathering of women who're interested in movies that strike a chord with them. However, he plans to do no such thing, and would rather let his hidden knowledge serve him on occasions where it matters the most.

What occasion(s) may come, only Dorky knows, I suspect.

More Visibility

Turns out, that most people that want blogs written by ghost-bloggers (see post just below this one, chronologically) hound Technorati.

In lieu of that, I have decided to create a Technorati Profile that allows me to get more traffic redirected onto mine site.

More power to blogoutsourcing! Technorati is awesome!! (like me.)

So you want a Blog?

So you want to be a blogger? I can help you. No, seriously.

I have noticed that blogging is a cool thing among people like me who suck at sports, at basic social skills and at pretty much everything they do, with a few not-so-noteworthy exceptions that don't require much detailing.

However, being an active member of the blogsphere has literally transformed my world. Now, there's a few people who subscribe to my blog and livejournal RSS feeds on google reader and bloglines (thanks to you, you know who you are. I only wish you guys weren't in jail), and some people who identify me because of my online footprints.

Those that DO identify me through my online footprints are individuals who have way too much time on their hands, are thus able to zero in on another kindred spirit.

While in conversation (and by conversation, I mean gtalk, for I don't talk with said person even though we sit barely a few tens of metres away in our office space) with a friend of mine from the office, I stumbled upon a brilliant idea, that might provide me with a self-fulfilling and unparalleled raison d'être.

Curious to know more? Read on. This post, for a change, concerns YOU more than it would concern me.

I know I am not a stud blogger, on the lines of Sidin Vadukut, Madman Aadisht, Skimpy and the likes. Not being a celeb blogger is something I can live with, and it causes me no trepidation. On the contrary, with what I am about to propose being in mind, this would work to my advantage.

You, dear Blog reader, might be someone who is all that I am not - cool, smart, funny with social skills that exceed expectations, non-skinny and with lots of money, but the one element that will make you completely and undeniably supercool and will catapult your levels of 'coolness' to vertiginous stratospheric heights might be absent.

Yes, you might not have a blog or a livejournal. Though the absence of an online space does showcase your lack of social ineptitude (double negative - 'tis a compliment), it would still be necessary under some circumstances for you to be able to hit on that cute chick who likes books so much that she's in love with Holden Caulfield or Dean Moriarty, and would think no end of you if you were to have a blog peppered with profound esoteric witticisms.

You'd rock even further if you had a dot com to your name, but that might also make you übergeeky, and might just scare away those that would like a dash of the nerdy, but within limits.

The same would be applicable to women as well, but rather than give out a blog URL, or any other associated links to your online spaces, all women would have to do would be to bat their eyelids and smile charmingly and the guy would fall hook, line and sinker, more often than not.

The other advantages of having a blog would be to add an extra bullet point to your resume, so as to project you as being someone who has strong opinions about issues and wants to put it out there for people to know, so as to engage them in active and socially useful productive work type discussions. More often than not, it might just be a load of crap (like what you're reading right now), but unless the interviewer actually checks out the blog, you're in the clear.

My role, a not-so-insignificant one, comes to the fore when you realize that you'd like to take the plunge towards getting that much needed online space. I could help you there by blogging on your behalf, and making you sound interesting, funny and cool online, for I will be writing on your behalf. Just think of me as the Mystique of the blogsphere.

Being a non-celeb blogger, I can still retain my anonymity, and you will not be embarassed about someone else making you look cool. You'd be the Backstreet Boys / Pussycat Dolls of the blog world! They don't write their own songs, or make their own dance moves, book their own tickets or clear the table after eating food, but you still see how cool they are, right?

All that I want in the bargain is cold, hard cash. I want to invest money in certain preoccupations of mine, including buying server space for my website, getting a new bass guitar, saving up to buy a Bose home theatre system, getting a house to house the Bose home theatre system in and so on and so forth.

I might even write a paper once I am in this business, about how I started the new trend of blogoutsourcing, and you name would be featured in papers presented in some really top flight academic institutions, and your names shall reverberate through time and space as you join me in this new revolution that will change the way you see the world, and the way it sees you in return. Its mostly the latter, but we'll look into it when we get there.

We can discuss terms and conditions later, and loyalty programs, discount offers and such shall be employed to make this investment worth your while, while also giving you a super blog in return.

Leave me a comment, and let us take this forward. Remember, if you want to play a good game, you need me in it!

PS - As a special offer, if you sign up, I am going to increase your AQ by a few points. This is the first of many rewards for joining this noble venture.

Awesomeness Quotient

Here's the thing. You've heard of EQ, IQ, HQ, BenQ and Q in contexts related to emotions, intelligence or its absolute lack thereof, headquarters, consumer electronics and MI6 respectively. However, what you are about to get to know today might change your life in ways beyond comprehension.

Having unleashed the power of Meh, after having been introduced to this concept by quite a few people during my travels beyond a few oceans and quite a large number of seas and other assorted water bodies, I now present to you the AQ - Awesomeness Quotient, something that is guaranteed to change your life for the better, should you embrace this concept of mine with an open mind.

Sure, you'd have probably heard of the AQ before, but no Alexander Graham Bell shall upstage this Elisha Gray, and you shall be initiated into the wonderful ways of the AQ by the sentient one that propounded the concept, rather than someone who'd give you an ersatz, less awesome version of the facts.

The operative word for this entire post, as you might have guessed is 'awesome', along with all its derivatives in adverb and adjective forms. If you thought it was quotient go to the * (starred) segment directly, and skip reading through the rest of this post.

A person's AQ, as you can guess, is a relative term used to refer to how awesome a particular person is vis-à-vis someone else. Obviously, not everybody can be of the same levels of awesomeness. Then the world would be a boring place to live in. Imagine a world filled with CEOs. Not that CEOs are awesome by any stretch of anyone's imagination except for their own, but this is just an example to illustrate my point of view. Awesome example, eh? I know!

Most of these tests that determine a person's quotient would tend to put a person through a particular standardized test and then allocate them a number which would then be used to judge them in relation to others that have taken the test.

Awesomeness is not something that can be measured - its a vibe that can be felt within a short span of time and AQs are consequently awarded thereafter.

Let us all now be aware of the ground rules for AQs and their subsequent allocation to everyone on the planet.

1) The owner of this blog has an AQ of 300. That is the second-highest AQ for anyone in the universe. The only person to top his AQ is unaware of having done so, but said AQ topping was quite a landmark event nevertheless.

2) AQs can be allocated by me to people whose AQ is perceptibly lower than mine. Note that 'perceptibly' was just a place holder I put in to showcase how awesome my polysyllabic vocabulary is. You can get the entire meaning of that sentence by remaining oblivious to the use of that particular word.

3) So far as others are concerned, AQs can be awarded once they have received their AQs from me. It is to be noted that if I have allocated you an AQ, and you would in turn allocate someone else with an AQ, it has to be lower than yours. For instance, I give you an AQ of 280. You can then give someone else an AQ of 279 or less.

4) You CANNOT give anyone an AQ higher than yours. The only exception to this rule has been carried out once, before the entire rule system was put into place and awesomeness hadn't yet been reined in, and was running amok in all the parallel universes in creation. However, if you do end up having a brain fart, you will lose your AQ and will be relegated to being a Roadie.

5) *(For those that thought the operative word for this post was 'quotient'. Also for those that thought they could get toocleverbyhaf and give someone a higher AQ) Just like Lucifer fell from Grace and let Will take over instead to redefine television in a yucky way, your transgressions, if any will make you lose your AQ and you will end up being a Roadie.

Then you'd have to appear in TV shows, have the whole world make fun of you, fall off bikes, have two sex change operations in a row, use more curse words in two minutes than there were in all of 'Scarface' prior to its editing, and render yourself incapable of any logical activities, all in the name of the 'Roadies Spirit'. Needless to say, you will be stripped of all your other attributes such as IQ and EQ.

(Ok, I admit to being jealous of Roadies. Seriously. Wouldn't you be too? Hence the vitriol. They rock! Facetiousness has a new name.)

That takes care of the ground rules for AQs. There will be a small update on AQ usage in a day or two, once the author of this post can do an impact assessment to see how the world has changed upon his having unleashed said concept.

Until then, stay awesome...like me!!!

Dorky Guffaw's Body-Building Adventures

Dorky Guffaw is back, snorting away to glory, after a prolonged hiatus on this blog, and this post is centered around the reason behind his extended break from frequently occuring misadventures.

For those who have been following Hindi movies closely for a decade or so now, a certain Hrithik Roshan would be no stranger to you. He made his debut on screen with a big bang, courtesy of this movie - Kaho Na Pyar Hai, and with some super dance moves, good screen presence and a fully muscled hulk-like body and clothes that accompanied it, which accentuated said muscles, he revolutionized the way in which the average Indian male film-goer wanted to emulate his favourite actor.

This was preceeded by Salman Khan's shirt-off song, where he 'plays the guitar' as well as George W Bush could play peace-maker, and with Bollywood being so liberal about men being shirtless, it was only a matter of time before this trickle of thought percolated into the confines of the average guy's mind.

Gyms became the next big place for people to go to, once they figured out that it was no longer cool to sport unkempt beards or hairstyles, and wear shirts with big collars and bell bottom pants and eve-tease college going women standing at bus shelters all day long.

Instead, it was now cool to zip around on bikes, wearing cooling glasses, sporting tattoos and wearing t shirts that one wore in class 7, if one wasn't solvent enough to purchase a tight t-shirt of the same size in the present day.

Aside from the material purchases involved in the new cool look, there was also this small matter of beefing up, and gyms were the new place to head out to, and men between the ages 17 and 30 all over India that fell in the 'wanting to be cool no matter what it takes' category were now discussing things like bench presses, protein shakes, tricep and bicep work outs and were, for a change discussing their own body parts along with corresponding dimensions and leaving women alone for atleast some points of time during their day, much to the latter group's relief.

In this mêlée, one might wonder where Dorky would feature, considering he was as distanced from the entire 'cool' phenomenon as was boiling water or Jennifer Love Hewitt in a bikini.

As a pertinent aside, Dr.Rajendra Pachauri and Al Gore have unleashed a secret fatwa on Jennifer Love Hewitt for being so hot that she's apparently one of the individuals that has caused the most melting per-square meter of the polar ice caps, and is rivalled only by big firms such as Conoco, Haliburton, the collective emissions of Bangalore traffic and Seattle's Hempfest in raising average temperatures worldwide.

So, if you live on the coast (some coast, any coast) and rising water levels cause your house to be flooded forever, you know who to blame. The entire population of Maldives has been unsuccessfully trying to get in touch with said hot actress so she can take them in as refugees in her house once their nation ceases to exist.

Dorky was uncool (still is) in every sense of the word, but sometimes, an absolute lack of anything fruitful to do drives people to do the craziest of things and hence Dorky took the plunge and following campus placements at the end of his sixth semester in engineering college, went ahead and joined a gym, which was almost ten kilometres from his house.

This was as sane a move as Muhammed Bin Tughlaq wanting to move the capital of India from Delhi to Devagiri a.k.a Daulatabad, and look where that got him!

Yes, he was stupid. If you've not had this thought in your mind, chances are, YOU're stupid.

To reinforce his complete lack of intelligence, Dorky used to cycle to his gym and back, and still perform the warm up exercises and run on the treadmill before commencing his weight training. His gym coach also instructed him to have protein supplements, something Dorky's Mum was not entirely sanguine about. Dorky had a swollen head despite possessing limited mental faculties, and it was quite scary to imagine how much more his ego would bloat, with his muscles experiencing a few mm growth.

This entire exercise, or set of exercises in late 2003 and early 2004 led Dorky to arrive at one conclusion. He might've climbed the highest mountain, or swum the deepest sea, but there was no chance in hell for him to actually rid himself of his congenital skinny frame. Eating six meals a day, working out and putting in multi-pronged efforts seemed to bear no fruit.

Secretly though, one would surmise that Dorky harboured such aspirations, like the average malnourished men, simply based on the before and after snaps shown of Hrithik Roshan, who'd been as skinny as Dorky was before he engaged on his body building spree.

Fact of the matter is, Dorky's before and after pic look the same - only his hair had grown because he had no money to go to the barbershop, having spent it all on protein supplements that tasted quite yucky despite allegedly having a 'chocolate' flavour.

Cut to 2008 when the whole gymming fad in Dorky's mind had a resurrection, this time because he wanted to be in decent shape, stamina-wise before he purchased his bicycle, that he plans to use to commute to work on a daily basis. An increase in age has only addled his brain further.

This new gym he used to frequent was appropriately named 'Physique', and the gym instructor there seemed friendly initially, and instructed him on his exercise and his diet.

However, Dorky, who's quite enthusiastic about all the pies he puts his fingers into, especially if he's made an investment in them (the gym charged him a fee for using their equipment, of course) was initially gung-ho about his gymming endeavours. He'd wake up early every morning, wear his tracks, jog to the gym and work out sincerely, his ipod plugged into his ears, as he faithfully went about the process of building up his stamina.

This went on for a couple of days, following which he had to miss going to the gym due to unavoidable circumstances. On his return to gym after that brief period of absence, the gym instructor, who has the funniest beard that Dorky has ever seen in his entire life, and it reminded him of the movie 'Signs', for it looked like crop circles on someone's face.

Crop circles on face guy then proceeded to interrogate Dorky on the reason for his absence, and asked him what he'd eaten over the past few days. Seeing no reason to get exasperated, Dorky gave him the required answers, only to be confronted with 'What are you eating?' on a daily basis.

It irked Dorky no end that, aside from putting up with other fellow people in the gym, whose narcissistic tendencies which included working out for thirty seconds and staring into the mirror flexing their muscles for the remaining thirty minutes, he'd also have to put up with answering the same questions day in and day out.

To further compound his misery, the 'changing room' in the gym where people used to deposit their sweat shirts smelt so bad that it made a public urinal smell like a Chanel outlet by comparison.

A combination of all these factors, coupled with NFS (Need for Sleep) made Dorky take the decision to give up on gymming, until the next big need to go ahead and work out would take centerstage in his mind.

Dorky's couple of kilos that were built up as a result of his trying to lift weights were shed as soon as he stopped working out, and he's now back to the frame he's possessed ever since class 10, concave stomach and all.

The only bright side to having hit the gym is that his arms have now grown longer, once again due to a combination of gravity and heavy weights, and his attempts at trying to lift them haven't gone in vain, as he can now touch his ankles while keeping his back straight.