Traffic Fatwas!!

Edit: This post has been updated to include 5 fatwas instead of 4 that you might've read previously. If you're reading this the first time around, apologies for having made you read two extra sentences.

After that vitriolic tirade that involved my wanting to kill four different types of people with irritating habits which, if implemented would cut down Bangalore's IT industry workforce by half, I have returned in a short span of 48 hours with another post, lamenting the state of traffic in Bangalore city, and on another fatwa imposing rampage.

Proper implementation of these fatwas and the corresponding punishments shall result in the other half of the IT workforce being eliminated, giving us a dual advantage of providing employment to those people that are seeking it, while reducing the population of our country by a certain percentage at the same time. Less traffic, easier to ride bike in these crowded streets. Hooray!

A friend of mine had made an interesting observation about how traffic in Bangalore suffers from an identity crisis. Two wheelers seem to think they are pedestrians, with most of them treading along footpaths rather than on proper tarred roads. Cars and other big vehicles on the other hand seem to be under the impression that they are two wheelers with the ability to manoeuvre through the tightest of spots while turning at awkward angles. Pedestrians, on the other hand think they are like trucks - huge and indestructable, as is evident from the way they tend to walk on the roads.

But traffic Fatwas are pipe dreams that will be relegated to oblivion once I churn out three more blog posts, rendering this particular post to the archives section that those normal people that are lazy wouldn't bother clicking to view, being content with reading the first two lines of each post, determining that their IQ levels are much below the cut-off levels desired to read, appreciate and truly enjoy the content s of this post and subsequently navigating away to some other blog that might be infinitely boring but one that they can connect to.

In any case, for those of you that have still stayed on despite reading the build up to yet another tirade, here is a list of traffic offense related fatwas I wish to issue when I become the Supreme Dictator of the country.

1. The first set of people that deserve to be abused are the traffic cops themselves. Just day before yesterday, I was travelling towards somewhere in Koramangala and had to stop at the traffic signal at the forum, for I had to turn right at that T junction but missed the green by about three seconds. Normally conscientous, I stopped my bike, much to the chagrin of some other junta behind me who weren't as conscious of following the rules while those idiots on my left whizzed past even as the signal had turned red and traffic from the other side was revving up to move.
   
   Amidst all this chaos, our honourable traffic cops chose to cut the signal to get to the other side, from another lane, proving to be such a pathetic example for people who have no qualms about not following the rules.
   Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?


2. People who use high beam lights within city limits are candidates for the guillotine. Their indiscriminate bright lights cause the unnecessary generation of iodopsin in the eyes of those that are unfortunate enough to travel in the direction opposite to the ones where said fatwa receivers are headed.
   
   Cars of the future should be equipped with some standard equipment that automatically disables the high beam button within city limits and will ensure that it can be used only under circumstances pertaining to flashing lights so as to engage in overtaking manoeuvres. The highways are good enough for those random sound and light shows.
   
   (Inclusion of bikes with wolf-horns as well as other shrill horns is strongly being considered for inclusion in fatwa issuing edict)


3. A fatwa needs to be issued against those lovely people who honk randomly when traffic is at a standstill near a signal, with about sixty more seconds to go for the light to turn green. What in the name of the Lord are they trying to communicate to other people standing around them when they go about on their horn blaring spree is something I fail to understand.
   
   We need snipers stationed near signals so that these people can be dealt with appropriately enough.


4. The fourth category of people are those that jump signals at night or when they think nobody is watching. If you don't want to follow rules, then your friendly neighbourhood sniper awaits you, failing which you should move to some other country where traffic rules are more lenient than the ones in our land.
   
   It is shameful, the way these idiots in fancy cars or on fancy bikes (and EVEN in non-descript forgettable vehicles as well ) go about jumping signals, while their full family is in tow, just because it is past ten and the probability of traffic from the other junctions crossing at the same time that they do has diminished significantly, though the possibility still hasn't been reduced to nil completely.



5. The fifth category of junta to make it to this superelite list are not those that ride on vehicles, but those on foot. This issuance is targeted at the new type of creature out there that I would like to call the 'nonchalant pedestrian', who deserves to be run down, if anything.
   
   If you're Indian, jaywalking comes as naturally to you as being a polyglot would, if your mother tongue is not Hindi or the local language of the state you reside in. It seems as though we have, as a collective people grossly misinterpreted the concept of the zebra crossing and that, to date in Bangalore seems to be the one stretch of road on the roads I've travelled where I have seen the least number of people walk across.
   
   Interestingly, apart from the total lack of usage of the zebra crossing path, the number of pedestrians that tend to cross the road is also in direct proportion to the speed at which one would be travelling on the said path.
   
   We all are used to jaywalking, and I have no hassles or grouses against those that run across the road after looking carefully and do their crossing swiftly. The nonchalant ones, who ostensibly want to be run over, are those that amble across slowly even in the face of oncoming traffic, without a care in the world, as though navigating through the significant number of vehicles that constitute Bangalore traffic is like a walk in the park are the ones that make me want to run them over.
   
   If life was like a Roadrash game, you'd know what I would be up to! The idiotic college kid wanting to impress some random chick, the former beauty queen who still thinks she is a traffic stopper in looks though she would be in girth and gait and (my favourite) the idiotic techie looking busy on his cellphone chatting up with someone who is trying to sell him a credit card with an ID card dangling around his neck to prove his superiority over those that aren't doing what he does for a living are the top 3 candidate types for being run over.
   

If anyone reads this, and also wants to help add to this fatwa list, it would be fun. Volunteers for snipers invited. Candidates who have had work experience in the MARCOS, Sayaret Matkal, SAS or Delta Force would be given preference over others, though enthusiasm from all quarters will be appreciated and suitably rewarded.

Kindly reply within the comments for your opinions as well as applications.

Drive / ride safely and if you've read this piece, maybe there is something you'd like to do if you don't follow traffic rules and ride your vehicle or walk on the streets the way you are supposed to.