Fatwa Time!!

Who says only Islamic Scholars can issue Fatwas? There is enough going on out there in my world that would prompt me to issue death sentences to people based on their transgressions that they might consider as peccadilos, but in my rule book are heinous crimes committed against my sensibilities.

I am the law, and in my own little head, when I ride bike from office to work and back, often staring at numbers and trying to see why they are cool or unique, or trying to find relationships between numbers of adjacent vehicle license plates, all these thoughts manifest into mine head and require some venting out, and consequently this post is it.

This is not an exhaustive list of Fatwas, and will be updated from time to time, or so I say. But you can rest assured that my laziness will get the better of me, and I will engage in more fruitful pursuits like doing the 'Walk Like An Egyptian' walk near the Big Bazaar at the Banashankari Ring Road, or alternately switch off the traffic signal during rush hour and stand by with a video camera to watch the mayhem that ensues, or perhaps I will just not shave and go the Rip Van Winkle way for all its worth it, only time shall tell.

Without further ado, here is a list of offences that are criminal in my book, and deserve the harshest punishment possible.

Of course, harshest punishment is subjective and varies from person to person and the standardization fundaes are not really applicable given the various kind of idiots that walk the earth, and it would indeed be a pleasure for me to smite them down with my vengeance in a customized fasion, or alternately write about it and have that little version of me in my hand rub my hands in imaginary glee at the plight that would have befallen these offenders, had I only had the chance to put things into action.

1) Offence: - excessive usage of the word 'leverage' in every arbit context possible like - "I am going to leverage the excess milk in my bowl to have an additional serving of cornflakes without needing to add more milk" OR "I am going to leverage my strengths to heal the world and make it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race" and so on and so forth. You get my drift, don't you?

Punishment: Life imprisonment in a cell that has a Bose audio system, that plays only Vogon poetry for eternity or until said person dies of a brain implosion. Talk about 'leveraging' on a super audio system's extreme capabilities to cause inflict untold misery on said person who uses that word copiously.

Feasible Alternatives: Try using monosyllabic words like 'USE'. That might rope in the hot women, or in the worst case prevent you from dying a painful death.

2)Offence: Having an MS Dhoni like haircut. It is reported that MSD lost a bet in the cricket dressing room when he was ogling at some random chick during a Bihar - Mumbai Ranji trophy match, circa 2002. Dhoni was dared to get her number, failing which he had to keep the same kind of hairstyle that she had for a period of five years. Needless to say, ladies and gentlemens, you already know the outcome of that bet. It is hard to fathom that people would actually want to look like some Bihari chick who actually sat through and watched Ranji trophy matches, at least from the back. It is our cricket One-Day captain, not Samson, for the Lowwe of God!

Punishment: Put tar balls on their hair, and no, I am not referring to Linux source files here. Chewing gum or Monkee poo would also do. But substance has to be sticky and should cause them to pluck off their hair. Another good idea would be to play a prank on them by sticking their head in a guillotine and then chopping their hair off - give them a tonsured head which for them would be worse than death that they would inadvertently expect.

Feasible Alternatives: Get a life. OR at least get a proper haircut.

3)Offence:Using SMS lingo while sending out SMS or full blown emails, or God forbid - company power point presentations or official emails. "U r nt as smrt as u thnk u cum across as." God, that was definitely the worst sentence I have ever composed in my entire life. It is NOT cool, it is NOT hip and it is definitely not something that sane people even in the third millennium would approve of.

Punishment: Death. Of course. No question about that. This is the most interesting part of the punishment. Make them read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged out loud for the rest of their lives. Should they finish reading those books and still live, make them repeat ad infinitum ad nauseum. To further compound their misery, they should be made to copy down letter by letter, with appropriate punctuation the content in these three books as well, for the rest of their lives. Jst4kix!

Feasible Alternatives: Have a little patience. It is easier to type out full sentences rather than spend time eating up vowels and find out arbit numbers to substitute good words in their place.

4)Offense: Cutting lines during breakfast/lunch/snacks at the office. People are supposed to be "professional" (another oft abused word, though nothing beats leverage) while at work and the hallmark of professional behaviour doesn't really require cutting food lines cheaply, something that people have inadvertently developed a tolerance to and as a consequence indulge in actively, at the drop of a hat.

Punishment: Death by starvation or death by chocolate. Their choice. Either way it will be painful and a lesson learnt well to sustain them in the afterlife.

Feasible Alternative: Behave.

Somehow this Fatwa Time post seems to be much longer than expected, and consequently, I feel it is time for me to bring this one to a halt with four categories of people that need to be annhilated from the face of this earth on a priority basis.

There is more to follow from my stables, and the quest is on for material that does not reek of redundancy and genuinely deserves max punishment. More revisions and additions and edits to follow - watch and wait!